America

Garden

First, a quick update on the garden: I bought some rhubarb recently, and it may arrive and get planted at some stage. And even more exciting than that, all those tulips I planted before Christmas are pushing through. I am excited about my tulips now.

Roundabouts

I say this every time I visit the US, but aren't roundabouts great? I realise I am about to talk about road safety, perhaps not the most stimulating topic in the world. And it isn't the first time I have done it. But it is at least moderately important, like who wants to kill a stranger in a car crash? I have just read a little bit about the various solutions the Federal Highway Agency has to tackle intersections (junctions) which are prone to accidents. My first reaction was a gut-wrenching disgust at their use of the word "signalized". After that I noticed that don't mention roundabouts anywhere, even though the certainly exist in the US. A roundabout is certainly a superior junction that the non-signalized stop-controlled intersection. I guess the comparison with a cross-roads controlled by lights is not so clear.

The two main benefits of roundabouts of 4-way intersections are well known. Firstly, every driver has to come out of their trance from driving on the long straight boring road and consider what to do at the junction (otherwise they will drive into the central island). Secondly, the angle of intersection in any crash is not as great, meaning when an accident does occur, it is likely to be less severe. But when I was there this time, I got to thinking about a third benefit. Every new driver is taught these days that it saves petrol to drive at a (more or less) constant speed and to not be breaking and accelerating all the time. (Motivated by the cost of petrol, not a desire to reduce emissions.) At your 4-ways intersection, every driver has to stop completely (or more likely execute a illegal "rolling stop") and then accelerate again. At a roundabout, especially when the traffic is light, a lot of cars keep their speed above 15mph. I realise they may have slightly further to travel, and maybe turning uses more petrol than going in a straight line, but I reckon I know which is more fuel-efficient.

Another benefit that occurred to me while I was sat in a queue of traffic was that roundabouts get more cars through more quickly. I guess the extreme situation is when all the traffic is coming from one road and going the same way. Each car will have to slow down and check for other vehicles on the roundabout, but everybody keeps moving at a moderate rate. Compare that to a stop-controlled intersection when you have to wait for the first car to stop and set off again. Then the second car has to drive up to the line. And stop. And set off. And so and so forth.

Super bowl

I watched the super bowl (on TV - just to be clear) on the evening of my first full day there. Apparently it was a greatly anticipated game. I can believe that, as the last time the Giants and the Patriots met in the super bowl it was a cracker. This year didn't disappoint, unfortunately fatigue got the better of me and I missed the exciting conclusion. I missed one of those incredibly rare moments when I team intentionally gives up a score (and the lead) in return for controlling the ball and the clock. Surely gambits like this are symbolic of why american football attracts intelligent, educated followers, but there seems no end to the racists and yobs who go to soccer games to watch some other, overpaid,  racists and yobs run around for 90 minutes.

Madonna was entertaining too. If not for her music and dancing, then at least when she fell over. Cee Lo Green also appeared at half-time and seemed to be having his own wardrobe malfunction, all be it of a different variety to the Jackson/Timberlake incident, when his enormous gut kept pushing open his robes.

Disney

Obviously the highlight of my time in the US was the week I spent exploring the myriad different ways you can give money to the multi-billion-dollar company known as "The Walt Disney Corporation". Doesn't sound like a faceless profit-led organisation when you put somebody's name in it.

Disney is quite a big place and it can be a bit of an effort to get around. The transport is generally excellent with buses and the (ageing) monorail and boats and things. There is always going to be quite a bit of walking involved. But not if you are one of those fat, lazy americans who has managed to get yourself a mobility scooter. Then you can drive it onto the bus, hop off and sit in a regular seat while the driver parks it and secures it for you. I wonder if they ever stop to consider that if they did more walking they wouldn't be so fat. And they wouldn't need to make everybody wait while the driver cheerily deals with your scooter.

Similarly, I again saw obese kids walking around (walking this time) stuffing their face with the most enormous deep-fried turkey leg. This is sold as a snack. I get a strange mixture of revulsion and pity when I see these people with their turkey legs. Makes me ambivalent.

However, this year the average weight of a guest at Disney was significantly down on my previous visits. Entirely due to the (literally) thousands of skinny teenage cheerleaders there for some sort of competition. You just need a couple of mobility scooters and an entire cheerleading squad on your bus to make it an entirely different prospect getting to the magic kingdom.

What better way is there to get fat than an all-you-can-eat buffet. I went to three while I was there. The first was a breakfast. I am usually a fan of buffet-breakfasts. I am more than happy to graze all morning. This one was spoiled by having to look after my children and pick up the pieces after Mickey et al came to terrify them. The most interesting thing I found on the breakfast menu was corned-beef hash. If I had been enjoying an extended breakfast at my own pace then I would definitely have checked it out, but on this occasion it was not to be.

Got to try that distinctly american idea of having fruit, syrup and bacon with my pancakes. I thought that sounded disgusting before I actually had it. I still do. I appreciate this picture contains neither pancakes nor bacon, but you get the idea. It's got an orange wedge on it. Orange and sausages? WTF

The pick of the buffets was definitely in Epcot's Germany. The food was good, and the entertainment was very good - a talented quartet doing traditional German things in lederhosen. One guy played a xylophone-like instrument, I forget what he said it was called. On one visit to die Toiletten I was appalled to hear the music of Mozart drifting into the room. If you were in a cubicle there and heard me exclaim, "Mozart was fucking Austrian" then I apologise. The staff at these things are always excellent, however I was a little confused by our waitress's answer when we asked her what car she drives: "I come from Berlin. It is a very long way away".

Beards and Legal Documents

Two unconnected events; but enough things have rubbed me up the wrong way today to warrant making a post.

I know I have already complained on here about having incredibly long documents to read from time to time, typically the terms and conditions when starting to use some new piece of software. I find insurance and credit cards not to be so bad. The ombudsmen have realised people never read the details and have been getting tricked, so those organisations now have to provide a simplified summary for people to read. Which is what I was doing. Then the stupid thing logged me out because I hadn't clicked on anything for over 60 seconds. I may not be the fastest reader in the world, but I think most people would struggle to read and take on all the information presented in those 60 seconds.

Then there is the fiasco of my beard. There are certain events coming up in the next weeks, each of which require a particular beard length. The problem is obviously that said length can be decreased quickly, but only increases at a fixed rate. Here are the events.

1. Foreseeable future: No beard
2. Costume for when I am forced to attend a fancy-dress party in two weeks: Beard
3. Renew driving license photo: No beard, because of point 1 above. The timing of this can be changed a bit.

A plan was formed to have the appropriate beard for each event. I would shave off my beard immediately and get my driving license done as soon as possible. This would leave me two weeks to grow enough beard to match the character I am going to attempt at the social event of doom. I can then get rid of the beard and continue with no to moderate stubble until I decide to do Rasputin at the next party.

So I shave my beard off and spend good money buying the photos. Then I get to working properly through the DVLA form. This is where I discover I have made an error. Unknown to me at the time Mr Remington and I embarked on this plan, was the fact that you can renew your driving license using your passport photo. The government have actually done something useful with their website, and the two organisations (the passport people and the DVLA) seem capable of talking to each other. I end up having them put the photo from my passport (also beardless) on my new driving license. And of course there was actually no need for me to shave my beard off. I could have had any length beard for the party, but instead I have to hope that two weeks is enough.

I'm Back

You know how you don't notice change when it happens slowly, but when you go away for a couple of weeks and get back you suddenly see everything. Now I am back from my little holiday I get to spot all the things that have happened in and around my house over the last two weeks. Fortunately it is not a lot. Not like previous trips to the USA, when the biggest tree I have ever had the displeasure of owning ended up in nextdoor's garden. (Well some of it did.)

The things that caught my eye were the moribund plants in the kitchen, the new stain on the carpet and the little bits of cat litter dragged all through the house. At least two of those are the responsibility of the evil cat. A more positive thing was that my crocuses are in full bloom now. They were just pushing through when I left. 

I actually took these photos last year, but the crocuses looks very similar right now.

We had Denby Dale pie for tea lastnight, fresh from the freezer. It is a lot like my favourite meal from childhood, my mum's meat and potato pie. The pasty is different though. And so is the filling. Then we watched a little TV. It was nice to see Paul Daniels on Harry Hill last night, doing a joke about a chainsaw. Quelle surprise!

Not a piece of a real Denby Dale pie, that would be at least 12 years old, and perhaps a little stale now. Instead from the supermarket freezer and having the name of, and perhaps a similar recipe to, the Denby Dale pie.

I have all sorts of things to blog about from my trip. Maybe I will do that when I have a little more time.

Daylight Hours

There have been a couple of things I have wanted to achieve over the last two weeks, and both of them require daylight. This greatly restricts when I can do them, cos it's winter and dark when I get home.

I have been anticipating Saturday (today) when I can get on with them. However, I woke up a little bit worse for wear after all the fun of last night. So the first thing I did was stay in bed until the sun had moved quite a long way across the sky. Then I  eventually made a start to my day.

Unfortunately I soon discovered that both my tasks for today are not really the sort of thing you want to be doing with a thick head. First off I had to fix the fence that got a bit damaged in the strong wind of a couple of weeks ago. Which involved hammering. It turned out to be nowhere near as bad as I was expecting. I could hammer quite gently and not make too much noise. And amazingly, I didn't bash my thumb once.

The second task on my list is proving more problematic. Recently I have started making videos of me playing the piano to share with my friends on das internet. And due to my antiquated camera I have to do this when it is light outside. I made some when it was raining one afternoon and it looks like I am playing by candlelight in the middle of the night. So I have a little play on the piano, and realise that I don't have the concentration for playing well, and I really don't fancy thrashing out my new Placebo cover with this headache.

There is only one thing to do in a situation like this - make a cup of tea.

Seventeen Minutes

I made a risotto this evening. And it was lovely. I was guided by a recipe of Jamie Oliver. (It would be inaccurate to say I "followed" the recipe.)

Let's start with the ingredients. The recipe called for raw prawns, which is fair enough. And having watched countless shows about all the amazing seafood our country produces I was happy to get prawns. However the only uncooked prawns I could find in the supermarket were from Thailand. Why?

I don't know much about wine, so when I saw a bottle that said "Good Dry French Wine," I thought, "That's the one for me." Ordinarily, I wouldn't know which wines are good and which are not. But this one said it was good. I couldn't find Parmesan, so I used cheddar. I don't have any olive oil in at the moment, so that is Morrison's own sunflower oil. And that isn't a real lemon either

Why didn't home economics teach me something useful, like how to chop finely?

At this stage it didn't really fit in the pan anymore. Then I had to add peas, prawns, cheese, butter and more peas.

Jamie says this is where the magic happens. Leave it alone and it will become creamy. Okay then.

A hearty portion.

Poll: The Results

I have been planning to review the results of the polls on my blog for some time, and it seems I have finally gotten around to it. Needlesstosay the turnout has been rather poor. Which is surprising, because 100% of respondents said they vote in polls. Extrapolating that result shows that everybody votes in polls. I guess just not on my blog. Here are the highlights of what we have learnt:

• Judas Iscariot is the people's favourite disciple, however he only got 50% of the vote and doesn't have an overall majority. He needs to form a coalition with any of Simon Peter, James or Bartholomew.
• Amy Pond is the best
• Ainsley Harriot is the sexiest TV chef.
• Robots are our masters
• All sorts of people like cryptic crosswords.
• Absence makes the heart grow fonder

AH was delighted to hear he was voted sexiest chef on TV.

There will now be a change of tack with regards to the polls. I think instead of trying to garner people's opinions on topics I shall ask simple questions with factual answers. You have no reason not to vote now.

Solar Panels

Here is a quick thing that has pissed me off.

I just saw this story on the TV about something to do with financial incentives to install solar panels. I could go back and read it properly, but I doubt I will. While watching, I think, "great, there is a scheme to encourage people to get solar panels, and consequently save energy [and the environment]". But the story quickly turns out to be about how some people are worried about the future of the [solar panel installing] industry. Oh no, some people might loose their jobs! *gasp* Surely they are missing the bigger picture? All those suits they were interviewing should be putting saving the planet as their highest priority and not making money.

Look, here is a house with some solar panels on the roof.

In other news, my exciting TV schedule seems to be winding down. Congratulations to Ash Mair on winning Masterchef: The Professionals. Of course the real winner is the food (or Michel's beard). Greg makes some hilarious noises and Michel makes some hilarious expressions; it really is entertaining viewing. Also congratulations to Harry Judd and his professional partner Aliona Vilani. I would have liked to see Jason Donovan win, but Harry was probably the better dancer.

There has been some sort of comedy show on Saturday evenings. In between Brucie's stand-up slots they play music. There may be some dancing or something going on, but I don't pay that much attention.

This means I have more time for other things. Like being bored. Or maybe, just maybe, working on my blog. I an idea for a series (two) of posts. We will have to see...