Couldn't Be More Caribbean If It Played Cricket

Got an exciting recipe book for Christmas: Gregg Wallace's Favourite Puddings. Before I went to the kitchen and got my rolling pin out I had to ask the obvious question...

So who is Gregg's favourite pudding?

Motivated by the desire to do something with a bag of dessicated coconut and ripening bananas I picked up the book and stumbled upon the perfect solution: Coconut and banana tart. Gregg points out that with coconut, bananas and rum, it is a very Caribbean desert.

Yet another tart based desert.

There were flaws, my pastry was quite thick round the edges and my syrup glaze stuff went a bit hard. But I can't complain for a first attempt.

You might have thought I would be more interested in "The Great British Bake-off". (BBC2 on Tuesday evenings) It ticks all the boxes: a food based competition with "Great British" in the title. But for some reason I haven't really got into it. It probably would have been good material for my blog. Including, as it does, lines like

"Release the tarts"

Sounds like something the Chief Inspector might say the morning after his police force had raided a den of inequity.

Sports, Games and Entertainment

So, even before this Olympics thing took over every information medium I use, I had been thinking a bit about E-sports. It is a perennial pub topic: the relationships and crossover between sports and games, and why various specific sports are or are not in the Olympics. It all seems to stem from the fact that some sports (most notably archery and shooting) don't require a great deal of physical exertion, although they obviously require physical skill. So, if they are represented at these events, then what about others, for example motor-sports.

I think it inevitable that we will see e-sports at the Olympics in the future. Not all computer games are suitable, obviously. We wouldn't want it to turn into button bashing, or to be decided by luck. But competitive gaming is a growing area, and so is it's following. There are games that are sufficiently "deep" so as to allow you to improve indefinitely.

Here's a nice and not unrelated quote that I like. Sean Plott:

Starcraft requires the keyboard skill of a virtuoso pianist, the mind of a chess grandmaster and the dedication of an Olympian.

 Maybe we could update the events in the heptathlon again. I think it is reasonable that there is a mix of sprinting and endurance, throwing and jumping. But what about even more variety - in no particular order.

1. 110m hurdles.
2. 3000m run, or maybe 1500 or some other long distance.
3. Cricket ball throwing. Why isn't there just a ball throwing event?
4. High jump
5. Swimming - don't care how far. Just get them in the pool.
6. Archery - let's have some skill as well as physical power
7. Go - my personal favourite. Why not use the power of computers to let the competitors play against each other in and around the other events. It's going to take 2 or more days anyway, right. So I don't think it is too much to play 5-10 consecutive games over those days.

Maybe putting go (or chess) in a heptathlon is a bit like chess boxing. You're going to be tired from all the running and what not, but still have to use your brain and think critically. I guess the problem would be to ensure there is no cheating. Like you can't really keep the competitors locked down for two days.

My other idea is even crazier. You get your athletes to sign up for the heptathlon, but nobody knows what the events are going to be. Then on the first morning they are announced - and they could be any of the individual events going on in the Olympics. Maybe track cycling, maybe boxing, maybe the marathon. It's like my approach to exams - preparation should be thoroughly understanding the subject rather than cramming facts and formulas. Surely the best man would win. Instead of "javelin is one of her weaker events" you might hear, "she has never picked up an épée in her life".

Man vs Bush

I cut the hedge yesterday

or

Man's crusade to eradicate women's pubic hair

I like pizza, and unlike some people I don't know of any single ingredient you could put on a pizza that I would object to. Pizza now far transcends the original dish the Italians once made (maybe they still do). It has become a canvas for expression. You want meat, have a meat feast. You don't want meat, have a veggie supreme. You want something salty, put anchovies on it. Or maybe you just want pineapple, whatever, put it on your pizza. Really fancy a curry? Put is on your pizza. You get the idea.

Of course you shouldn't be limited to having savoury pizza. Pudding pizza is great fun for the kids and tasty too. Just replace cheese and tomato sauce with chocolate spread and marshmallows and decorate with whatever sweeties you like.

In an unrelated event, I recently got reading about pubs. I was mostly drawn in thinking it was a discussion of bars vs pubs, but found it was quite funny and actually talked about pubs more generally. If you don't want to read the whole thing, let me present some highlights.

The Italians are as familiar with the idea of a pub as they are with the concept of personal space.

And on the topic of crisps in pubs:

Various flavours on offer, and the bar staff are fluent enough in drunkese to know that Zoltan Finger means Salt and Vinegar.

Another food canvas waiting for the imaginative chef to make his own, is the humble pie case. You could go for apple, or apple and blackberry. Or maybe lemon goo and meringue. Instead, for some reason I am not aware of, I resurrected a recipe from my childhood: Manchester tart.

The story goes that I came back from school one day (age 6 maybe) and, like usual, my mother asked me what I had eaten for lunch. I said, "turkey in custard". Which bemused her for days until she eventually found out (presumable from a conversation with another parent) that the turkey was actually banana, and I was talking about Manchester tart. Needlesstosay, even if I thought it was turkey, I still loved it. Only freaks don't like cold custard.

Step 1. Blind bake a pie crust

Step 2. When cool, spread on a layer of red jam and add sliced banana.

Step 3. Fill with custard and allow to set.

Apparently traditional Manchester tart is covered with dessicated coconut and had some sort of red fruit in the middle - possible a cherry. I have only recently become aware of this, but this is what my pudding could have looked like.

Step 4. Serve and enjoy!

Maybe I could put more exciting traditional recipes ideas on my blog. It's easier than writing considered opinions on a topical and controversial topic.

[You see what I did there, purposefully used the root "topic" twice in the same sentence to make it a rubbish sentence. Demonstrating how much effort I am putting into my blog. On the other hand I put extra into that self-referential sentence. Oh Epimenedes...]

Nudist Hotel In Birmingham

Like who wouldn't want to visit Birmingham. It's got all those really popular tourist attractions like, erm... motorways?

But if you are visiting, and just happen to be a nudist, then I hope you watched the Hotel Inspector this week. There could be no better set-up for the Channel 5 pun writers. And they didn't disappoint. Here are the ones I noticed, there were probably more.

• The cracks are beginning to show
• Eager beavers
• Improve the bottom line
• Meat and two veg (that was something about the food if you were unsure)
• The fire-pit is an ideal place to roast your chestnuts.
• Sagging profits
• Salad isn't the only thing that comes undressed
• well-clipped bush
• rude awakening
• Is the end in sight?
• [She] uncovered dull decor, ...
• Get exposure (on the internet and radio)

I am going to end my blog there. You could say the end is in sight.

█

Eat More Fish

After my post on why I shouldn't eat meat I saw an advert for a show on a very similar topic. I didn't watch it, but I guess the gist of Channel 4's investigation is that you can't have cheap ethical meat products. I have really gone off having meat in convenience food like pasties or sandwiches from the shop or whatever. But I am still cool with having meat occasionally when it is the focus of a meal. We have completely stopped having spaghetti bolognaise (with meat), we just have spaghetti and a jar of tomato sauce now.

I haven't even posted about Eurovision that is how much I haven't been blogging. But when the musical elite of Europe came together to laugh at the contestants in Baku I had a barbecue to mark the occasion, and on that barbecue I put some mackerel. It was an exciting day for a barbecue. Good thing I had watched that video on how to clean and gut a mackerel, cos I wasn't expecting to have to do it when I was planning the meal.

Guess what's in the bag.

We had more fish on a birthday barbecue a couple of weeks later, including a trout. Not only that, but on two occasions now I have made a quick and possibly healthy lunch by getting a fish fillet from the supermarket and pan frying it. If you do this from Sainsbury's they give you a free knob of interesting butter. You don't get that at Morrison's. Sainsbury's really know how to look after their customers.

Felt all cheffy spooning my foaming butter over my fish. 

An Update and An Apology

It's obviously been a long time since my last post, so there is a lot to say. We seem to be going at about one post a month. Wow.

My rhubarb has died. Possibly this was due to all the rain we have had. Maybe it would have died anyway, we may never know. I might try again next year, I will see how I feel. However for the time being, project rhubarb has utterly failed. For a contrast, my peonies seem to be doing alright. One of them had a flower which was quickly destroyed by heavy rain. It now has another flower.

I had a wisdom tooth out. It hurt for a bit, but now it's okay.

Er, it's been raining a lot. And my house leaks. That's not cool.

I have had two attempts at a mushroom risotto. The first recipe was created by the founding member of the Essex school for spasticated cooks: Jamie Oliver. The second recipe I tried is the property of the Walt Disney Company, and very nice it was too.

Mushroom Risotto with extra mushrooms. For people who really like mushrooms. Oh, and JO suggested putting some freshly chopped herbs on top, cos that's trendy. Or it would be if you could chop them into small pieces.

Inspired by Hugh Fearnly-Whittingstall's book, I had a go at a minestrone soup. As he suggested I put beetroot in it, and (unsurprisingly) everything went purple. I never thought it could be so difficult to tell a carrot from a potato. It was definitely a first attempt ministrone, and quite different to the red water with tiny vegetables you get in tins. I would like to have another go sometime, I think I could change some things and do a better job.

Some of the things I put in my soup: peas, chopped tomatoes, carrots, celery, beetroot, onion, macaroni, courgette, red chard. It also had potatoes and garlic. (And you know like water and salt and shit like that.)

Also in the last month my age has changed from a prime power to a different prime power. That doesn't happen very much after the age of 9. You get 16-17, 31-32 and not many people will make it to the next one.

Never had Irish coffee in a wine glass before. I thought it was a bit weird, but I was wrong.

And now the apology. In an earlier post, I told the world some of my opinions about information. At least I thought I did. I have since re-read a book I first read about 10-15 years ago, and discovered that those ideas had been implanted in my brain by the book, and were nowhere near as original as I thought. The simile between us living in the information age but not knowing what information really is, and iron age men being good at manipulating iron without appreciating its chemical structure was from the book. As is the separation between actual information and whatever physical means is used to store it.

There was one way to think about information in the book that I had forgotten, and so didn't write in my post thinking I had made it up myself. I can now repeat it safe in the knowledge that the author of Goodbye Descartes got it from Alice in Wonderland.

Well! I've often seen a cat without a grin; but a grin without a cat! It's the most curious thing I ever saw in my life!

The grin is not part of the Cheshire cat. When you move the cat the grin remains. Similarly, information is not a part of a book, or a CD or whatever.

Jubilee Time

Time for a blog.

Yes, I realise that its very presence makes the first paragraph redundant.

So, The Queen has held on for another 10 years - well done luv. And what better way to celebrate than with a Lego model of a 153 year old building.

For only £24.99 you too can build a badly named Lego model.

I know of two things nicknamed "Big Ben", and they are both between 2 and 2.5 metres tall. And neither of them are towers. You see, Big Ben is one of the bells inside Clock Tower. I have no trouble separating the concepts of "building" and "bell inside building", but why do so many people find it so difficult? I don't even object to people saying, "I'm going to London to see Big Ben", because I reckon "see" in an idiom, when you might literally mean "visit".And by "visit" you might mean "experience". And by "experience" you might mean "hear".

'Big' Ben Roesthlisburger: Definitely not a building.

Maybe I am too stupid to be able to cope with metonyms. Maybe I won't have to, as it looks like Clock Tower is to be renamed.