Whoever wins, it’ll change their life!

Have been enjoying the latest series of masterchef. Although the beeb are continuing their pattern of lowering themselves to the standards of their competitors. This time by making masterchef less about food about more like X-factor or some shit (which I have never seen). Like they keep having eliminations between some of the cooks or giving others an extra chance to stay in the competition. And they made a point of changing their tagline from "Cooking doesn't get tougher than this" to "Let's get fatter". I guess the next step is that Cheryl Cole develops an interest in gourmet food and becomes a judge.

Just found a Masterchef random quote generator. My favourite so far:

Bruschetta is not worthy of a Masterchef - it's basically just tomatoes on toast

This week they challenged the remaining contestants with every chefs worst nightmare: restaurant critics. It was good to see sour faced harpy Kate Spicer (wearing a bizarre grey and leather outfit, where the zip gradually moved down as the show went on). She didn't seem as grumpy as usual - she must be getting some. Good for her, but the show is better when the food receives snarling yet eloquent put-downs. I sense that the era of the celebrity chef is being joined by the era of the celebrity food critic.

Celebrity chef James Martin (back). Left to right, the lovely beard-wearer Jay Raynor,  the changeable stroke victim Kate Spicer, some slapper Toby Young and the lovable Charles Campion.

My favourite food critic is Giles Coren. And my favourite Giles Coren moment was when he drank a "cement mixer". This 80's cocktail consists of separate shots of Baileys and lemon juice. You drink one then the other, then swill them round in your mouth while they curdle. It didn't stay in there long... Here are some of his tweets:

Next door have bought their 12-year-old son a drum kit. For fuck's sake! Do I kill him then burn it? Or do I fuck him, then kill him then burn it?

Wayne Rooney is a vile human. May he die choking in hot dog shit while his eyes are burned out with lye and skewers are pushed into his ears

So, you are watching your favourite competition based TV show, and it is getting to the crunch where they eliminate someone, or announce the winner. The host/judge says "and the winner is..." And then we get this enormous pause. The technique of anticipation through delay is well known and has been used in music for centuries. I think it was Davina on Big Brother than started taking this beyond a normal speech pattern, and indeed that show took it to its most ridiculous extreme with some ginormous hiates. I noticed today that Great British Menu has its own piece of music to fill this pointless void.